Typecasting

While many poker dictionaries already exist, I hope someone eventually puts out some kind of Facebook for poker players. Not just an ordinary social networking of games and players in local areas mind you, but something that applies avatars to each member, one that is consistent with their play, bankroll, regard for the game, knowledge of how to play and experience. Some of the avatars could be things such as:

Old Sal - the old rock at the table who grinds away and plays only winning hands, yet still manages to get bet into on the river. He makes $53-$55 per session, like clockwork. He often mutters under his breath about how to play real poker.

Johnny Poker - A guy, usually in his 20s or 30s, who plays perfect poker 100% of the time. According to him, that is. He plays winning hands and sets others up for his big move later on. When people make moves on him and they work, show bluffs, don't respect his carefully cultivated table image, betting patterns or otherwise play non-perfect poker, he immediately goes into Self-Tilt. He often speaks (condescendingly) to his end of the table about how to play poker, then moves tables to find the Mecca of poker, the table that will treat him and his savvy play with proper respect.

Coach - Middle-aged guy who shows up in some sort of windbreaker with a High School logo on it. His son plays, or played, or perhaps he was the coach. And as every coach knows, hard work and dedication equal success, even when natural instinct or aptitude for a game aren't inborn. He'll play hard, win a few pots from some drunk guys and donate chips to the players he feels are better than him, often as a measure of respect for their ability, if nothing else. He often speaks to anyone who will listen about backing up the cutoff man, free throw percentage or making a textbook block on the free safety but never about poker.

Subway Joe - the crazy guy who appears to have come up right from the subway circa 1977 New York City. That is, he's crazy, wild and talkative. You might think he's drunk but he's not. He will play 50% of pots to the river and then fold or shove, regardless of the action. Subway Joe's stack varies between $12 and $1000 several times an hour. He speaks out loud to everyone but usually not anyone in particular about anything and everything possible before he mysteriously disappears from the table, leaving his stack behind and forcing the floor to bag it up for him after an hour or so.

The Corona Brothers - these guys, usually friends, always show up together, they don't care about playing as much as getting a free drink or two, usually bottles of Corona. They put the table minimum out there and play super-small ball. They talk only to one another, usually about finding the waitress and getting some more Coronas.

Russian Ivan - Russian Ivan is often German or Czech, it doesn't really matter. He plays a Vivid Video loose style and forces winning hands to fold for about the first five hands until the table realizes he is playing every hand and forces him to show down. He often turns over air but stays at it until he loses all his money. He speaks to the dealer, who explains how he can't take his cards off the table or string raise and also talks to his friend who hovers behind him, but since no one else speaks his dialect, no one knows if he cares about playing poker, making money or even if he knows the hand rankings. His presence at the table is desired until he does give someone all his chips and then both he and the beneficiary leave the table, taking a ton of money off of it. NOTE: he is not to be confused with Petr, the shrewd Nordic player who will actually take all your money. Sometimes it is difficult to make the distinction right off.

OK, I know I am stereotyping a liberal amount here, but I am just off of a 15 hour cash session at Caesars where I did run into multiple versions of all these players as the table turned over three or four times. I had gotten into the game at about 11:30 p.m. on Friday night and as the night/morning progressed it was interesting to see who would show up off of the craps table to donate some of their winnings back to others, which players had no interest in actually playing poker and the various styles exhibited by each, which were unsurprisingly very similar.

For instance, Coach, after never once raising, bluffed off his whole stack with a very hearty "All In!" obviously designed to scare off his opponent. The problem? His opponent had bet $50 into him and Coach only had $77 left, so the extra $27 didn't do its scare work. Coach did not rebuy.

Johnny Poker, after making some good reads, like laying down his 8,8 on a board of 8,Q,Q (Q) after a turn bet and raise, knowing the turn Q had just given someone quads, patted himself on the back for awhile before supremely tilting himself based on a hand he was not even in, after the B,B min-raised the UTG raiser, who of course re-raised, forcing the rest of the table out of the pot, which he would have apparently connected to, big-time. Then he attempted a play in which his opponent didn't respect his turn raise on a dangerous board after a flush card came on the turn after an ace high flop. "Doesn't he see the flush out there?" he asked me. Well, yes, Johnny, he does. He has the nut flush actually, which is why he called you and then bet back into you on the river. And you called him. Johnny Poker left the table for another, only to return with a big stack about 8 hours later, Tilt himself again and depart again. But we were all a little smarter for having sat with him.

Old Sal showed me pocket Qs on a J high flop as he folded them into a $17 bet. "I only got $2 invested in that pot, why do I want to risk it?" Good point, Sal. Gotta keep that profit range within the street's expectations or the markets will react poorly. Also, good job limping in with queens.

Ivan, well he forced me off of a hand the 2nd hand he sat, as he raised, c-bet and then bet big on the river as my A,K never connected. Then he doubled me up on a flop of J,Q,K when he had Q,4. Then he stacked up (playing roughly 27 of 30 hands) until his friend showed up and lost it all in 2 hands and left. I was card dead, unfortunately

I'm sure there are others that I've forgotten at the moment but should they come to me, I'll be sure to recount them. Be sure to keep an eye out as my new PokerFace project gets startup money.